Thursday 19 May 2011

Changes.

it's been a long few weeks. A huge struggle. I think I finally had a breakthrough today, I didn't over eat any where near as much as I used to... Which is a big change.
I actually ate breakfast, a couple of breakfast biscuits (120) half a sandwich (140) a slice of watermelon (46) and half a spinach pizza (280) which makes a pretty good total. If I can keep this up I will be well on my way to success.

Tuesday 29 March 2011

Hello.

No surprise here. I'm back.
I've failed my mission to get healthy.
I recently had a breast reduction to boost my self confidence.. It's really made a difference, except now I am noticing my weight even more :(
I need to get rid of it.

I purged tonight. After dinner.
It was the first time in a long time, but it felt good to let it out..
Now I feel the need to be empty again.

I suppose I should weigh myself to see what the damage has been... But to be perfectly honest, I'm terrified.

Ugh. I can feel the leftover food inside me. That's just gross. I wish I didn't have a stomach.

Monday 21 June 2010

Goodbye.

I am a mess. 
I need out of this cycle.  
So i will get it.

Im ignoring PT from now on.

I will eat when im hungry. 
And wont when im not.

If i get put on anti depressants.. 
I do.

So what. I guess its better than a shit feeling all the time.

Im sorry i havent been writing


and im sorry that i wont write much more.


This is it.


My final words.


Im leaving now.


Good bye <3




 

Tuesday 8 June 2010

Regret.

No surprise here.. I failed Boot Camp. I didnt even last a day without having to eat shit food. Great. 

Ive gained. I dont know how much exactly but i can feel it. I am slightly regretting how much i fought to lose Mia. But i know i dont want her back. EVER.

Its alright. I can lose it. All of it. Just two more days til college is over. Two more days of eating 'normally' then im back to work on friday. I work in a restaraunt. We get a lot of MASSIVE tourist types. Watching them order puts me off food all day. Its great. Im going to spend the rest of my summer not eating all day. The most i'll have will be hot chocolate (i will need the sugar to stop from passing out..) 

I feel really positive about the next few months. 

Me and Alex (for those of you who dont know, he is my AMAZING boyfriend) have been looking for a house. We found one we like so he's gonna organise to go see it (: He cant wait to move out of his house.. I dont blame him tbh.. I have to wait til im 18 though :/ Which is ages yet.. FEBRUARY. I dont know if i can. I might start earlier.. Shifting small things every time i stay with him.. It will be great. My best friend is probably going to move in with us too (: Will be so good. 

Anyway.. Enough of the ranting! If anyone wants to know more you know where to find me (: Love you, stay strong <3 

Wednesday 2 June 2010

ABC.

For the next 50 days these will be my limits.. I will try to post every day with the day number and limit as well as how i did.. I will be aiming to eat less than my maximum for the day... Wish me luck!!

1: 500 calories
2: 500 calories
3: 300 calories
4: 400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: FAST
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
17: FAST
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
20: FAST
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
31: 800 calories
32: FAST
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
36: FAST
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
50: FAST

Habit.

One. Deep breath. Push down. Drag. Lift. 

Drip.

Two. Deep breath. Push down. Drag. Lift. 
Drip. Drip.


Three. Deep breath. Push down. Drag. Lift. 

Drip. Drip. Drip.


Four. Deep breath. Push down. Drag. Lift. 

Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip.


Cotton wool. Press. Bandage.


I never knew how good old habits would feel.

Sunday 30 May 2010

Relapse.

Spending a while away from here has made me realise that without my search for having a stick figure i am pretty much a waste of space. 
Thats what you get for being fat i guess.. A waste of space. 

So i tried to recover. Again. And failed. Again. 

Looks like this is my life until i reach my goals ayye?

Im not too bothered by it if im honest with you.. Im quite glad i have Ana back. Ive missed her..


Ive spent this past week with a stomach bug.. Bleugh.. 
Couldnt keep anything down.. Lost 3lbs in 3 days. Pretty good going i guess.. I ate pizza last night. Half a pizza (340) and as much as i hate myself for saying this.. I kinda enjoyed it.. And i didnt hate myself.. Until i was at my boyfriends house.. Things got.. Firsky ;) And whilst on top, i caught a glimpse of my elephant thigh.. And i was nauseated. 


This week i have to be really careful.. I have to lose as much as i can. Then 4 days left of school, and im gone all summer long.. All summer to be perfect. All summer to live on as little as possible.. Plus, i will be working all day everyday hopefully... So i can 'eat' whilst at work.. The only meal i might have to have is dinner.. Which tbh, i can keep low cal and purge if i cant. 


I can sort this.
I can be thin.
I WILL be thin.


<3